pauses&clicks

Time has a way of shimmering for me these days.

Still in the midst of the transition from a husband being on active duty in military service for 35 years to “what comes next,” my days and months have a quality about them that is foreign to me.  What I knew of time, and my position in it, changed radically as we left our last duty station and saw the gate in the rear view mirror.

When I was a child time stretched endlessly in front of me.  As a teenager it got in the way of what I imagined my life would become.  As a young mother there was never enough time, certainly not enough time to sleep.  When the boys became teenagers time started warping, going by entirely too quickly.  Now that I have grandchildren and my sons are all adults, time seems to be doubling back on me.  One minute it seems like just yesterday I was holding them as babes, the next minute I can barely remember the person I was when I was 25, 30 or 35.

The shimmer occurs as often as my eyesight fails me.  One moment I can focus on myself as a college student or a young Captain’s spouse, the next moment I pass by a mirror and wonder who that person is.

I just read a book titled “A Man Called Ove” and was intrigued with this passage about time:

“And time is a curious thing.  Most of us only live for the time that lies right ahead of us.  A few days, weeks, years.

One of the most painful moments in a person’s life probably comes with the insight that an age has been reached when there is more to look back on than ahead.

And when time no longer lies ahead of one, other things have to be lived for.

Memories, perhaps.

Afternoons in the sun with someone’s hand clutched in one’s own.  The fragrance of flower beds in fresh bloom.  Sundays in a cafe.  Grandchildren.”

I’m not yet at the age that Ove is talking about but from what I know about time, I will suddenly find myself there.  One day I am 57.  The next I will be 85.

Time has a way of doing that….accelerating disproportionately as we get older.

I’ve already collected amazing memories for the day that time comes.

In the meantime, I hope to collect many, many more.